Hi guys. I'm sure it sounds like this is coming out of nowhere like just a week or two ago I was going to try and work on being active here and what not, but I'll be completely honest with you about whats happening here.
I woke up yesterday morning and felt something come over me that I can't say I've ever felt before, and it wasn't a bad thing at all! In fact it was a very good thing. I woke up and I felt motivated and driven to make changes to my life like I had some sort of revelation. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do to achieve all of these goals I have but I finally came to the realization that I am going to do something. I am going to actually get up and stop allowing myself to settle with "well it's good enough". I can rarely ever say that I've tried my best at anything and I'm sick of that. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not working hard, like I'm barely trying and achieving the bare minimum because I have no motivation to get up and actually do my best. I feel like I've confined myself within a cage for some reason, like I won't allow myself to break free and do all of these things that I want to do and I don't understand why I've done that. I feel like maybe it's because I've grown too comfortable with always wanting but never acting to get what I want. I've grown so comfortable with feeling like I can't give anything my all and that's why I've been so fucking depressed for so long, that's why I struggle so much within myself, it's because I'm living within these constraints that I've enforced upon myself.
I don't really know how to explain what I mean any better than that, I'm sure that that didn't make much sense, but basically I feel like I haven't been authentic. I feel like I've been giving life my half assed effort and I am disgusted by that. I'm ready to make changes to my life and try. I'm ready to throw myself into the uncomfortable and grow comfortable there, because my dad has told me what others have told him, that life starts where your comfort zone ends. I want my life to start now. I want to live and grow as a person, I want to learn to be at peace with myself so that I can give this world and my work my all. I lack traits in character that I want to build and I want to build them strong. I want to get rid of my insecurities and tear down the walls that I've built around myself for protection and show who I am.
I want to make changes to my life and one thing that I am set on doing is bringing who I am to the surface. I have grown secretive, I have grown to hide myself in layers of my being. What I say and post on the internet is not something I would show to most people in real life, not because I say audacious things, but because I've hidden this account and others away from people in real life to keep it private like some escape. I've grown to shy away from showing people my work and all that and most of the people I know don't know that this is my account because I don't talk about it, I don't show it to people, I just keep this separate and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be secretive. So, I've decided that I'm going to cut off stuff like Tumblr and DeviantART from my life. I don't feel like there is much for me here, I just sort of use my number of watchers as a personal accolade to make myself feel accomplished, but the internet is not where I need to show myself, I need to show myself in everyday life. I want to cut down the time I spend online because I don't feel like it helps me grow. It was a safe place for me when I was afraid of life, but I'm not anymore and I'm ready to move on for now. I plan to try and make a career out of my artwork. Once I graduate from high school I wish to go to college for visual and performing arts and I hope to go out there and do things like animate and design and act and create, and I'm sure that in this world that seems interconnected and somewhat compelled by the internet, I'll resurface on it again, but for right now, online networking for personal reasons is no longer applicable to me.
I haven't planned much of any of this out, so for now I've put everything in my gallery into storage. I may come back and bring some of it back out, but for right now I'm content with where it is. It's not gone it's just kept away for now.
I want to thank everyone for everything they've done for me on this website, for a long time you guys were my driving force to do things, to try and work harder and get better and keep going, but now I feel like it's healthier for me to go find myself elsewhere. As I said, I'll probably resurface and I don't know what I'm gonna end up doing but for right now, this is my decision and I'm alright with it.
However, I won't be out of touch. If any of you need anything from me you can email me at email@example.com, I'll do my best to respond!
Thank you everyone!